Monthly Archives: September 2018

1.6 Squirm

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When Wood’s six foot six frame squirms it signals different things for different people. For his Gran it means he’d bought her another gadget to make her life “easier” – she likes her smart phone, tolerates her smart luggage (a suitcase which follows her around like a puppy) and is plain suspicious of her “home assistant” powered by the internet. Laney eyes him dubiously when he surprises her with a trip – Barcelona, Paris, London, Malmo or a staycation – which heralds pub fare and soccer matches are in her future (she likes soccer just fine, but a romantic walk on Seine would add a nice variety – she thanked me when I pointed this out to him).

For me? This wriggle means Wood’s set me up on a blind date.

Again.

In his defense Wood always does great job in picking interesting, witty and charming men. If you are waiting for the “but” here it is; charming doesn’t mean sincere, witty doesn’t exclude vicious and interesting doesn’t mean classy. Six out of eight of my all time worst evenings come from Wood’s setups (and I am sure I don’t sparkle in my opposition’s memory either). So for the sake of my sanity, our friendship and the lives of the men of these disasters – I made Wood promise never to set me up with any more men of his acquaintance. Which was only extracted after I told him the story of my date with his dapper coworker Sebastian.

Sebastian thoughtfully included a cardio workout component into our date – moving forty-seven boxes of his ex-girlfriend’s possessions down two flights of stairs into a truck (his ex-girlfriend left for parts unknown twenty minutes after we arrived), unloading the truck again and distributing the boxes around her new apartment according to their labels. Sebastian then thoughtfully provided a meal which was also themed to our activity – pizza and beer. He then proceeded to eat the entire pie and drink a six pack in twenty minutes which caused him to curl up like a huge hedgehog in Tiffini’s living room and pass out. He did regale me with anecdotes from his travels, but since we weren’t eating dinner in a little cafe, listening to jazz and drinking fabulous coffee (as he had with Tiffani) it was hard to relate.

Okay, I can laugh about it now, but I absolutely flabbergasted at the time.

While glaring at my friend (who was doing his level best not to make eye contact), I offered up a hasty prayer to any god who would take an interest – hoping against hope – that Wood’s sudden imitation of an eel stemmed from an acrobatic audition he’d set up for us with Cirque du Soliel after dinner. Or perhaps we were interviewing for a place in a prestigious rodeo clown school – they have those right? Maybe we were receiving our armaments for the tri-state laser tag tournament? But his wriggling butt and wringing hands told another tale, “Wood, you promised!”.

His eyes darted towards the front of The Fungus House and apparently found his salvation there since his faced cracked into a wide smile, “Beatrice, over here!”

Following his smile I saw a strawberry blonde in a three piece indigo colored suit beelining in our direction.

Okay, maybe I’m wrong?

1.5 Dourwood Utley

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In fourth grade I met Dourwood Utley.

We bonded over how we wanted to take over for the BFG as official dream catcher, solved mysteries with Nancy Drew and wished we could visit our friends just beyond the lamppost every weekend. If Harry Potter had existed during our tenure in Maplewood Elementary School, Wood would have profiled Dobby The House Elf in his Person You Admired Most report (if you ever want to get him going, start defending Rowling for the narrative necessity of Dobby’s fate – it is similar to watching fireworks going off – only with more expletives).

I tutored him in English, gave him half my sandwich every day (for eight years) and cheered him on in all his soccer games. He glowered at my bullies, buys me mittens every Christmas and enjoys the fact my life is odd.

Wood is a friend extraordinaire whose both best and worst quality is one in the same – he is extraordinarily helpful. His motivation?

He just wants you to be as happy as he is.

1.4 The Fungus House

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One of the few commercial zones in the city where big box retailers and homogenizing chains fear to tread (due mainly to the fact their shrinkage numbers are astronomical) is the University District. My old stomping ground. Where vintage clothing shops, art nouveau theaters and independent shops of one flavor or another reign supreme. Nestled in the U-Districts’ heart resided The Fungus House, the city’s first (and only for many, many years) vegetarian and vegan restaurant.

Saturday night’s clientele featured the usual subjects; philosophizing beret wearing students, first generation hippies (now into their late sixties) and several thirty-something couples out on date night. This well worn restaurant didn’t fit Dourwood’s normal dinner requirements… A man whose secret vice included two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce and cheese. A man who keeps a log of every meat he’s eaten off a stick. The man who during the last Premiere League Penultimate (the last day of the league) – I swear – slathered an entire pig in BBQ sauce and then ate it. Yet, despite this rather meaty resume, there he sat in a corner booth smiling his electric smile and waving at me like a crazy person.

Upon immediate entry into Wood’s orbit he enveloped me into a giant bear hug, while his voice rumbled (which btw can make the worst news sound almost nice), “I heard about Little Ben laying you off. That sucks.”.

So much for keeping the news under wraps until after dinner – it didn’t really surprise me – my Aunt and Wood’s Gran float in the same circles. I doubt Aunt Pearl could keep this kind of currency, I mean news, to herself.

“Yeah, Little Ben invited me to explore other employment and living opportunities.” Winding up, “He has been in and out of the cottage three times in two days – taking measurements, making notes and ordering new appliances. All things I gave-up asking for because he told me the company didn’t have the budget for it. Basically he’s spending all the money he’s trying to save for his schemes on renovations. He is going to run the place into the ground!”

Wood smiled and sat back waiting for me to pause in my litany of woe, “Pun intended?”

My laugh felt shaky, “Inadvertent.” Apparently I wasn’t as sanguine as my previous days imbibing had lead me to believe. (That makes my definitely not day drinking drinks sound way classier…right?)

The waitress sensing the pop of emotional pressure appeared to take our order. To my surprise (and her chagrin) Wood ordered appetizers; upside-down mushroom tartlets, marinated mushroom caps and cheesy mushroom pinwheels (are you sensing a theme here? All would benefit with the addition of bacon). Then told her we were waiting on the last person of our party to arrive.

Snapping from my unfulfilled bacon dreams, “Who are we waiting for?”’

To my horror, Wood squirmed.

1.3 Guaranteed Fun

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Since my – definitely not day drinking – butt was firmly planted on the couch contemplating what precisely I was going to do next (and starting to feel rather blue about it), Dourwood’s timing was impeccable.

Dourwood: “Laney’s out of town and I need to eat!”

Me: “The Rusty Hinge?”

Dourwood: “Nope a new place, The Fungus House!”

Me: “The Fungus House?”

Dourwood: “Yup!”

Me: “Fungus.”

Dourwood: “It has five stars.”

Me: “Out of 100?”

Dourwood: “No, out of five!”

Me: “I am hung up on the word FUNGUS.”

Dourwood: “You’ll have Fun. I promise.”

Me: “You are Guaranteeing the Fun? Last time I was promised Fun I got 8 stitches.”

Dourwood: “No equipment needed except a fork and spoon. Chances of stitches low. No knives on premises.”

Me: …

Dourwood: “I am buying!”

Me:….

Dourwood: “Come on, Morticia.”

Me: “Kk. When?”

As a newly minted member of the unemployed – a free dinner – even fungi adjacent – couldn’t be turned down (maybe it won’t be that bad?). More worrisome was the promise of fun.

Wood and I had mastered Fun years ago. However I learned the promise of it (coupled with Laney’s out-of-town status) should be accompanied by wary restraint.

I am not overreacting.

This Guarantee has lead to plunging off of bridges wearing bungee cords, acting out parts in a live version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, an ill advised branding (yes the hot poker kind), a wedding officiated by Elvis (him, not me – how he got Laney to agree I am not sure – she was sober, I checked) and the last time he got us an audition with the circus (hence 8 stitches from an unfortunate knife trick – and Ringling Brothers has since closed – so I would now be idle either way). While all of these umm…activities were fun and memorable, I am not sure my current mental state could take this unique type of diversion.

On the other hand it would get me out of the cottage and Wood is much better with support than my Aunt – so provided no knives, wheels or lines were involved things, I am cautiously optimistic things should go swimmingly.

Fortunately me and my dancing shoes we didn’t have to sober up tonight – Wood planned on going out on Saturday. So I could figure out what safety gear I could wear under my clothes without adding lumps in unusual places.

A bit of precaution never hurt anyone.

1.2 Now What?

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So when you have a pink slip in one hand and an eviction note in the other, what do you do? Take the bull by the horns and start working on your imminent move? (Very proactive and adult.) March to the unemployment office and submit your papers? (Still an adult response) Start day drinking while watching 1970’s era TV sitcoms looking for inspiration which will lead to your own happy ending? (no adulting to be found here, but you’ll nail procrastination and denial with one blow)

The first option made a dense grey fog descend over me, weighing my limbs down until I couldn’t move. The second option would required me hunt for paperwork and admit my jobless status – causing small boulders to roll around in my tummy Indiana Jones style. The third option sounded rather good actually. I do love The Bob Newhart Show, Bob’s Burgers and vodka…

Instead I decided to look for comfort and support, sans bottle. So I called my Aunt. I can only blame my befuddled state (the shock of my new status – not alcohol – just so we are clear) for this decision.

The conversation went something like this:

Aunt Pearl: “How are you, dear?”

Me: “Fine. Well not really, Ben has laid me off and kicked me out of the cottage! I have to be out in two weeks!”

Aunt Pearl (I can hear magazine pages flipping in the background): “I am sorry to hear that. But it’s for the best dear. What kind of future did you have there anyway? You couldn’t get a promotion or a raise. Now you can get a real job. My friend Ruth’s daughter (more page flipping) just got a job in a dental office. She’s making good money as a dental hygienist.”

Me: “Seriously? Me a hygienist?”

Aunt Pearl: “Perhaps you’re right. Still living in an apartment and getting a less morbid job will be good for you. Maybe you can meet someone, make some new friends.”

Me (Now seeing that a very large man should have popped up from the floor and sang the word “MISTAKE!” in a disgustingly hearty voice the second I started dialing this number.): “Thanks Aunt Pearl, I’ll think about it. I’ll talk to you later.”

Aunt Pearl: “You’re welcome, dear. Don’t forget your Uncle and I are leaving tomorrow and will be out of town until next Friday – visiting Susan and Dylan. We’re driving there so we can’t lend you the truck. Sorry. We’ll see you when we get back. Love you.”

Me: “Love you too. Bye.”

My Aunt possesses many fine qualities, but offering sympathy is not a prominent portion of her personality. Binge watching too many stylized TV families makes me forget my reality (no I wasn’t drinking before I called her….but when I got off the phone it was after five and so no longer counted as day drinking, I might have had a smidge). When I climbed back on the couch and mentally started sorting my living room into pitch and pack piles (more in the former than the latter) my phone warbled informing me of a new text.