Sunday morning during my rounds at Nevermore (redundant I might be, but vandals are my nemesis, nemisii? In any case, they get my goat) when Wood texted me…
Dourwood: Did you get the high score after I left?
Me: Nope, wasted a multi-ball opportunity.
Dourwood: Too bad, your name will be up in lights again, Benedict doesn’t stand a chance! How did you like Bee?
(btw Wood is taking about the Addams Family pinball machine – recently someone dethroned my high score – I am determined to regain my title)
Me: She seems nice.
Dourwood: Good! I gave her your phone number.
Me (texts are so limiting – sarcasm, suspicion, all tonal quality is missing. But Wood didn’t need to hear me huffing and puffing my way through Nevermore): Why?
Dourwood: Well she asked…and I was hoping you guys would hit it off…
Lightning speed dial, they should have something faster than just plain speed dial when you need it – opting for currently available technology I hit speed dial on my phone, stopping to watch the leaves fall around me while I switched my oxygen priorities. Wood answered on the third ring (I could practically hear the gears turning in his head).
Before I even got a word out Wood cut me off.
Dourwood: “I didn’t set you up with a guy, and I stayed and supervised so you wouldn’t move someone’s house again…”
Dourwood: “…you’ve had such bad luck with guys recently I thought you might want to see if you’d be happy with someone different…”
Dourwood: “…and you guys have so much in common books, music and sense of macabre I thought you would hit it off…”
I wondered how long he’d continue.
Dourwood: “…plus you’re both novice vegetarians…”
Me: “WOOD! I AM NOT A VEGETARIAN!”
Dourwood: “But you told Laney you’d stopped eating meat.”
Me: “No, last Christmas Laney assumed I’d become a vegetarian because I wasn’t eating any of the turkey. I just didn’t contradict her. Wood, honestly, I love Laney but she either burns or boils ever piece of meat she cooks. I just couldn’t take it anymore…”
Dourwood: “That’s genius!”
Me: (I laughed): “I don’t think that strategy will work for you.”
Dourwood (A glum note in his voice): “Probably not.”
Me: “Wood, I am not interested dating anyone right now. Presently my life is filled with entirely too much chaos. Promise me no more set ups – with anyone. And you need to fix this with Beatrice.”
Dourwood: “I promise, I promise. But there isn’t much to fix with Bee, I didn’t tell her it was a set-up either.”
Me: “Then why did she want my number?”
Dourwood: “I was hoping for date number two. But really I have no idea.”
Dourwood: “Really, Really.”
After extracting further assurances he’d call Beatrice, I finished checking in with my regulars on my rounds – nothing but an aggressive squirrel to report – and headed back home. I didn’t look forward to telling them I wouldn’t be around as much soon, but that was tomorrows problem.
Today’s problem, I mean opportunity for personal growth, filling out my second ever job application and vehicle evaluation.